Real Talk: Mental Health Lows
For a moment I actually believed that maybe I wouldn’t experience another mental health “low.” My anxiety, which used to be a daily battle with significant physical symptoms, had been practically non-existent. I hadn’t experienced depression symptoms since spring of last year (2021). I’d been pouring long and hard into healing from trauma along with building up my self-belief and choosing brave choices over my normal default of fear. As someone who prides themselves on being highly self-aware, I would have expected to be able to recognize the moment I started to slip… but mental health can be sneaky.
If you’re new to my space, I have struggled with anxiety and depressive episodes since I was a teenager. I also have chronic pain that has played a huge role in my relationship to my mental health. In January of 2021 I got separated and subsequently divorced, and went all-in on healing and self-investment with the goal of living a life that felt aligned with my core values and actually felt good. I religiously saw my therapist, chose an incredible life-coaching program that in and of itself was a practice in healing and growth, and really made an effort to focus on the kind of space I wanted to create and inhabit and the kind of energy I wanted to allow into my space.
Earlier this year, it felt like all of that was finally coming together. I left a toxic work environment, leaned further into the kind of coaching and support I want to put out into the world, and felt really good about the plans I had been crafting for my future. Maybe if there had been *one big thing* that had come crashing down, I would have been able to pinpoint the initial slip that led to an inevitable free-fall back into darkness. Instead, tiny layers began to weave their way into my spirit.
A chronic pain flare–worse than I had experienced in years. A launch I was super excited about that got de-railed by my overwhelming grief at the tragedies in Buffalo and Texas, the physical pain draining all of my energy, and ultimately, left me questioning my ability to connect. More health-related concerns… unexpected health insurance drama from the finalization of my divorce… Roe… triggers from past trauma reminding me that even healed wounds ache sometimes. The layers piled up before I realized it and I found myself experiencing flares of physical anxiety symptoms, then a resurfacing of insomnia, then finally what served as a slap in the face wake up call–the realization that I was experiencing dissociation and disconnection again. And, of course, if the actual mental health challenges resurfacing wasn’t enough, I then fell into beating myself up about it. How could I let this happen again? I had been doing so good. I worked so hard to break out of this, and now I’m just back again.
I spent an entire session with my coach absolutely sobbing my way through all of this. She, the magical human that she is, reminded me that even if it feels like I’ve “gone back”--I haven’t. I may be experiencing similar thoughts and feelings, but who I am now is different than who I was then. There is no “going back” to the past. It took a minute (read: a few days) for this to marinate and sink in.
When it finally hit me, I realized that even though this mental health low is very real, it’s not even close to the worst I’ve experienced. I have far more tools and skills and resilience to lean on than I ever had before. And when I sat with that knowledge, I thought of the me from three years ago who felt more broken than she ever thought possible. I thought of the daily panic attacks and crushing self-hatred and how she lived at the mercy of those around her because she didn’t believe she deserved better. Remembering how far I’ve come from those days grounded me in a way I didn’t expect. Beating ourselves up for our “falls” is the default most of us inherited from the way our society operates. It’s almost too easy to slip into feeling defeated and like the victim of circumstances that are out of our control.
I don’t want to live like that. I don’t want to give away my power ever again. Not to another person, and not to the “universe.” Recovering from this current low isn’t going to happen over night. I know that. AND, I know that I have everything within me to make it happen.
I know I need to prioritize rest and listening to my body. I know I need to prioritize nourishing foods instead of skipping meals and using sugar as a comfort band-aid. I know I need to find tiny ways to re-incorporate the practices that facilitate self-connection: journaling, stretching and gentle movement, taking walks outside (when it’s not 100 degrees), and pulling tarot for myself. I know that I need to focus on what I can control. That one is hard for me because there’s so much that feels out of my control right now that’s left me feeling powerless. We all know that feelings aren’t fact, and I know that I’m not actually powerless, no matter what’s happening around me.
I’ve been existing in a state bordering on survival mode–my only focus has been getting through the day with very little capacity to plan beyond that. It feels a little bit like I abandoned my business, and we’re sort of in a long-distance relationship right now. Over the next few weeks, as I prioritize utilizing my mental health toolbox (the list above), I feel confident that reconnecting to this space will come along with it. The work that I want to do in the world isn’t just “work;” it’s a passion and a calling and a purpose. Reconnecting to myself will reconnect me to my vision. I’m so ready to begin again on my path of cultivating a life that feels whole and true and aligned with what matters to me.
Getting derailed will never mean giving up. For me, it will always be taking a deep breath (or three… or ten…) and re-aligning with what I’m here to create. We can do hard things. And we will.
